The Art of Сonversation by Catherine Blyth

Conversation is all about taking turns. Dialogue, not a monologue. You share the talking time; you also listen and acknowledge.

You should differentiate «radiators» and «drains» people.

Thera are several types of «drainers»:

1. Enthuso-bore. They exudes energy and enthusiasm, but it can be extremely tiring for others. Its self-centered and one-sided, without any acknowledgment of the needs of the listener. Enthusiasm on its own is no guarantee of a good conversation!
2. Robo-chore. They are like Enthuso-bores without enthusiasm. They dont want to be in conversation with you at all, but feel an obligation. You can challenge them to be more real by asking genuine questions and refusing to be satisfied with stock answers.
3. Echo-bore. They take no risks, introduces not one single idea, opinion or feeling, but just agrees with you, repeats your words or says what’s most obvious, so you forced to do all the running and dont get anything in return. The person my be just nervous, and if you are able to put them at ease, there is a chance for better conversation.
4. Ego-bore. They like Enthuso-bores, but with a single exclusive subject - themselves.
5. Queen of gossip. They are very happy to engage in conversation, as long as she/he can speak negatively about other people.
6. Moaning Mickey and Minnie. They are happy to converse, but take such a negative attitude to life that they drag you down and exhaust you.

You may wish to be pleasing as a conversationalist, but if you risk nothing, you get nothing. Your first and important step, in starting up a conversation with someone, is to make a connection.

Building a connection with another person is about creating rhythm - or similarity. And the most obvious, though certainly not the only, way to do that is to find a common subject. By common, I mean «common», but also «common» - everyday and general.

Introduce an easy subject like travel, home or recreation that the other person will find easy to add to. The purpose is to create a connection, not show off your specialist knowledge, so keep it simple and general, and be willing to shift around till you find a mutual subject.

As you take those first tentative steps in conversation, look out for people’s preferred focus of attention. Whatever the subject under discussion, people like to home in on particular elements, and their preferences tend to be fairly consistent.

If you never take breath or use your eyes to check whether your listeners are following you intellectually and emotionally, they’ll quickly lose interest.

Matching the person

You get on someone’s wavelength most easily and surely by tuning in to the sound of their voice and their body language.

When people are connecting well they tend to share similar movements or lack of movement.

Just as with body language, the more you can tune in to the subtleties of the speaker’s voice (speed, volume, pitch, range), the easier you will find it to connect with them.

You should also match the energy of the speaker. Its not the same as copying the mood. For example, when responding to an angry person whose energy is hight and strong, you match their energy and speak first few words strongly too so that they know I am tuning in to their mood. But you not speaking angrily yourself.

You match, then you lead. The first words of your interruption need to be as fast and loud as the general melee: you might use an introductory phrase to interrupt, such as «I’d like to add something here». Once you interruption has been heard, you can make your point, gradually adjusting to your normal volume and pace, and people will listen.

When you’re ready to move on from a conversation:

• Change your voice tone. A higher quicker tone usually works well.
• Stand up - even if the other person cant’t see you - as this changes your energy.
• Summarize the conversation, if you like, to wrap it up.
• Tell the other person what you are going to do as a result of the conversation, if that helps to round it off.

There is no need to join in conversation that compromises your values. If it not going well, it isn’t necessarily your fault. Its important not to loose yourself in the process. Be fully present, and unafraid to be yourself.

State of mind

More than skill, voice, fluency or intelligence good conversation depend to an enormous extent on your state of mind. Understand first that your state of mind does not have to be out of your control. It is possible to influence your state.

Movement and breath

Tension inhibits the breath, so keep breathing! Take a deep breath before entering any conversations, public speaking etc.

Telling yourself to be calm is counter-productive if it makes you tighten up. Movement of the body helps the activity of the mind.

Positive states

Your thoughts have a powerful influence on you. The way you see your listeners affects your attitude. Whatever you think about and imagine changes your state.

Think about a conversation you are going to have, or what to have, with someone:

1. Ask yourself: «What state of mind do I want to access for this conversation?»
2. Write down your answers (e.g. confidence, calm, focus etc)
3. Take one of the states, and remember a specific time from your life when you were in that state. Relive experience fully. Repeat for each of the other states.
4. Run through in your mind the future conversation and bring to it the feelings, images, sounds and physiology of the states you have practiced.

Focusing outside yourself

You can’t focus inside and outside at the same time. Either you can visualize images of disaster, listen to your internal dialogue and feel bad or you can look with your eyes, listen to sounds and experience physical touch of the outside.

Enjoy the silence

A conversation thrives on moments of silence, and if you try to fill the space out of anxiety, you break the natural flow.

Trusting yourself and others

Focus on the other person for sure, but dont lose yourself. In conversation two important fundamental assumptions support you:

• You are okay just the way you are. You are enough.
• Other people are to be trusted. You can think the best of other people and assume their best intentions.

Make a comment

Most casual conversations begin low key. Just a simple remark in the air, easy to respond to or not, that doesn’t put the other person on the spot or put them under obligation to speak.

Float in a simple question

Ask simple questions. Take it easy, no pressure - it might get going, or not. Think of your simple question as a gift to the other person, and invitation to talk - if they want to.

Try a comment followed by a question

The comment is just put out there without obligation, and if it is picked up, you can follow with a simple question.

Introduce yourself positively

Smile at someone, extend your hand in greeting and introduce yourself clearly. Then immediately follow up with a comment or question as before. Your general demeanor will make all the difference.

Don’t worry about thinking of something clever to say. The art of small talk is to start with something simple and everyday - and relevant.

Keeping the conversation going

A conversation is like a game of tennis, where questions are the service, and answers the return of ball. If you follow your answer with your next question, you keep the ball in play.

Adding a little extra

In more elegant play you don’t bat the ball right back to the same place it came from, but vary the pace by adding a bit extra each time after the answer.

Open questions

After the initial exchange you’ll get more from the other person if you ask questions that invite an explanation rather than a yes or no answer.

Changing the subject

If you want to move on from the current subject, or want to say or ask something unconnected, you can do this by adding an introductory sentence, for example: «Oh, before I forget, I wanted to tell you… Completely changing the subject, I’d like to tell you something… By adding such a sentence the other person has time to gather themselves by the time you say the core of what you are intending to say.

Rehearsing your own piece

The most common trait in conversation is to half-listen while you work out what you want to say yourself. You can recognize when others are doing this as they tend to increase their non-verbal agreement noises when they want to speak themselves.

Whenever you listen to someone, notice how often you’re thinking about what to talk about when it’s your turn.

Reassuring or diverting When a speaker is talking about problems, it sometimes makes for painful listening, and you may be tempted to interrupt to make things better. The question is, whose discomfort are you trying to assuage, the other person’s or your own? Just listening is probably all that’s needed in such situations.

How to listen well

The greatest listening is to hear all and expect nothing. In fact the actual words represent only a small part of the meaning. The person’s meaning and intuition show up in their body language and voice tone.

Deep listening is possible when you are fully present in mind and body and at ease.

Influencing a conversation People who are skilled in conversation are far from random when they chat. They hold an intention or intentions, usually unspoken, which influence the course their conversation takes.

Its useful to pause for a moment before certain conversations and ask yourself «What do I really want from this conversation?»

Different kinds of conversation The conversation tends to shift naturally from one kind of talk to another in a free and fluid way:

Thing Talk When you meet people for the first time, you probably choose a safe and non-intrusive impersonal comment, such as «How was your journey?» Thing Talk includes; Things; Topics of time and place; Information; Activities; Learning and facts; general humor.

Action Talk Action questions give you a picture of the person doing things, without them having to reveal what is going on inside their heard or heart: The action question is basically «What do you do?» In all its numerous variations and formats. You can engage very easily with someone you meet for the first time using a combination of Action Talk and Thing Talk.

Head Talk It’s about persons thinking. If you start by asking someone what they do, and then move on to how they succeed at what they do, the skills and qualities they use, how they view certain situations and the choices they make, you are moving on to Head Talk. It includes: Thoughts; opinions; skills

Heart Talk It’s about discovering what matters to people. Includes: what matters; meaning; values; feelings

Soul Talk It becomes possible when you are fully present and experiencing what is happening in the here and now. Imagine that you are meeting person for the first time and notice details you are not usually aware of.

Voice principle

• Speak at steady pace. Slow down even more if your accent is unfamiliar to your listener
• Take good breaths to power your words and give them flow
• Relax - your voice will work much better if your not tense
• Open your mouth when you speak. Articulate the consonants clearly, and shape the vowels
• Emphasize the most important words in each sentence - the ones that really matter to the sense
• Vary your pitch. Dont be a robot.

To make a conversation flow, try adding a question back to the other person as part of your answer.

Getting rid of useless fillers By focusing on other relevant elements of your speech the fillers («you know, em, sort of, erm, um» etc) will disappear on their own:

• Give yourself space to think before you reply. A thinking pause is good!
• Take a deliberate full breath before each thought.
• Use your air freely as you speak - dont hold it back to make it last longer.
• Once again, slow down!

Influencing with your emotions Emotions are highly influential. Its exactly how you inspire others - through feelings. This only happens, though, if you genuinely feel those emotions yourself and allow the other person to witness you feeling them.

Spotting the games people play High status players take up a lot of space, move deliberately and hold strong eye contact. Low status players shrink into a small space, constantly fidget with their hair or face, make small meaningless noises, and glance briefly at you, then glance away.

Naming what you perceive can often block a conversation that has got stuck. If one party is hiding a strong emotion, it’s often useful to name what you notice without accusation: «I’m feeling stuck in this conversation. Are you feeling that too?».

Role games At different times people act like adult, parent or child. Its all about taking responsibility - either for yourself, for others or dont take responsibility at all.

How can you tell if you’re in a role game? Ask yourself:

• Is this familiar - or even boring? Have I been here before?
• How do we get to this point every time? What sets it off?
• What do I say or do that slots me into the familiar role? Then think of two or three alternatives to try instead. Change your behaviour and you’ll get a different result.

Enjoying disagreement Rather than disagree both verbally and with their voice and body language, try this:

• Breath, relax and turn towards person, keeping your body language open and mirroring their energy
• Make your voice tone and speed similar to theirs, as you put your own point So you go with the other person’s energy, without copying their mood if its is negative.

In any disagreement, disagree with the content; agree with voice tone and body language. Follow the energy.

Handling feelings with skill Feelings have a nasty habit of leaking out and becoming visible to the other person, even as you try your hardest to hide them. Your feelings can prevent you from focusing and listening properly. Shutting down is no answer.

Focus on yourself for a moment:

• Stay open and real. Keep breathing! By recognizing emotions, they lose their power to surprise those.
• As you breathe, realize that there is no need either to be roused to hostility or to appease weakly.
• As a strong or violent emotion comes your way, imagine it flowing past you, or flowing through you straight down into the earth without affecting you.

Confrontation In any kind of confrontation or negotiation, see the other party as if for the first time. Use your eyes, ears and feelings afresh to capture what is happening in the present.

1. Assume the other person has a positive intention. Be curious about a person.
2. Assume that you have what is needed to deal with the situation.
3. Assume success.

Taking the initiative What do you actually say when you want to confront someone personally:

• Identity the specific issue without any interpretation or evaluation of motives. Use personal language for your own part in it: «I saw», «I heard» etc.
• Voice your own perceptions of the behaviour, making it clear that they are your own personal interpretation/meaning: «It seems to me» etc
• Invite the other person to tell their side of the story, listening carefully with respect and inviting them to join you in finding the truth. «What happened from your point of view?»
• Whatever the response, stay firm and positive in your intention to move towards a resolution of the situation
• Explain what you’d like to happen as a result of your conversation.
• Check finally that you are both in agreement about the way forward